Marriage is often viewed as a profound commitment, symbolized by vows to support each other through life’s challenges. Jordan Peterson encapsulates this sentiment with the idea that the marriage vow signifies, "No matter what you tell me, I won’t run away."
However, the reality of marital relationships can differ significantly from this ideal, leading many couples down the path of divorce. Understanding why marriages end and the influence of attachment styles on these dynamics can shed light on this complex issue.
Why Do Marriages End?
Marriages can end for a multitude of reasons. Emotional dissatisfaction, communication breakdowns, financial stress, and unmet expectations are common factors that affect both partners. Research shows that feelings of isolation, resentment, and hopelessness are prevalent among couples experiencing distress. In fact, studies reveal that approximately 40-50% of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce (CDC, 2020).
A key factor contributing to these issues lies in the disparity between the expectations of marriage and the reality of married life. As couples navigate financial challenges, parenting responsibilities, and personal growth, the ideal of "for better or for worse" becomes increasingly difficult to uphold. Many individuals may feel their emotional and psychological needs remain unaddressed, leading to a breaking point in the relationship.
Attachment Styles and Their Impact
Attachment theory provides valuable insight into how personality and emotional patterns affect relationships. Attachment styles - secure, anxious, and avoidant - play a crucial role in how individuals relate to their partners. For instance:
Secure Attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style are comfortable with intimacy and trust, leading to healthier relationships. They are often better equipped to handle conflicts constructively.
Anxious Attachment: Anxiously attached individuals may be overly dependent on their partners for emotional support and reassurance, leading to heightened stress in the relationship.
Avoidant Attachment: Those with an avoidant style often struggle with closeness and may withdraw during conflicts, creating emotional distance and dissatisfaction.
The avoidant attachment style is often seen as the least favorable for maintaining a successful marriage, as individuals with this style typically struggle with emotional closeness and may withdraw during conflicts, leading to dissatisfaction in relationships. Research indicates that avoidantly attached individuals are less emotionally available and tend to avoid discussions about problems, which can escalate unresolved issues and resentment. Studies show that marriages with at least one partner exhibiting avoidant characteristics are more prone to divorce due to poor communication and emotional distance. In contrast, securely attached individuals generally have more fulfilling relationships, while anxiously attached individuals may seek closeness, sometimes facilitating conflict resolution.
Moreover, dismissive attachment style manifests several negative behaviors, including emotional avoidance, which leads to a reluctance to address emotional needs or confront relationship issues. Dismissive individuals may struggle to connect deeply with their partners, fostering feelings of rejection and isolation. Their fear of dependence often prevents them from engaging in supportive relationships, further deepening the emotional distance. This conflict avoidance can create a cycle of unresolved issues, resulting in a lower overall relationship satisfaction. Understanding these dynamics can help address challenges early and foster healthier relationships (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).
The Happiness Factor: Divorce vs. Staying Together
Divorce can be perceived in different ways. For some, it represents an escape from a toxic or unfulfilling marriage, potentially leading to greater personal growth and happiness.
According to a 2015 study published in The Journal of Marriage and Family, around 20% of divorced individuals reported feeling significantly happier after the divorce, especially those from high-conflict marriages.
Conversely, research supports the notion that couples who navigate their challenges often find greater long-term satisfaction. A longitudinal study by the National Bureau of Economic Research indicated that two-thirds of unhappy marriages eventually became happy again if the couples remained together. This suggests that perseverance in the face of adversity can lead to deeper emotional intimacy and fulfillment.
The Role of Code5 Principles in Marriage
The principles of Code5 - Faith, Family, Fitness, Fullness, and Finance - serve as essential pillars not only for personal growth but also for marital health:
Faith: A shared belief in the relationship and trust in each other can help couples endure challenges together.
Family: Prioritizing the marriage strengthens the family unit and fosters a supportive environment for future generations.
Fitness: Maintaining both physical and emotional health can help couples navigate life’s stresses more effectively.
Fullness: Living with meaning and purpose enhances the relationship, as both partners feel fulfilled and contribute to each other's growth.
Finance: Open communication about financial matters can reduce stress and prevent discord.
Remarriage and Moving Forward
Statistics indicate that many divorced individuals remarry, typically within 3 to 5 years after divorce. While remarriage can offer hope for a fresh start, it also comes with challenges, particularly in addressing the emotional baggage from past relationships.
Conclusion: The Path to Happiness
The question of whether individuals are happier remaining married or choosing divorce does not have a clear-cut answer. Some couples find lasting happiness through commitment and perseverance, while others may find liberation and fulfillment in ending a troubled marriage. The key lies in the willingness to confront challenges and work toward a life aligned with personal values.
Ultimately, as Jordan Peterson suggests, the promise of enduring commitment plays a critical role in marital success. However, for those who find themselves in irreparably damaged relationships, the end of marriage can signify the beginning of a new, fulfilling chapter in life. By applying the principles of Code5, individuals can navigate the complexities of marriage and divorce with purpose, balance, and a focus on personal growth.
Save Northing for the Next Life
References
CDC (2020). "Marriage and Divorce." Retrieved from CDC Marriage and Divorce.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). "Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change." Guilford Press.
Amato, P. R. (2010). "Research on divorce: A critical review." Journal of Marriage and Family.